Pain/Rain and Needing/Getting
On one hand, after the long dry summer and the crazy weather that comes with the monsoon season, the cold steady rains of winter are a nice change of pace and are the reason I like life in these desert valleys. On the other, I hate the aches and pains that comes with the cold winds that blow in across the wash I live against. Every joint hurts in my body on days like these, but I insist on pushing myself. It seems the additional pain that comes each winter always finds a way to motivate me.
In the summer I often find myself escaping the harsh inferno of the mid-day sun by just avoiding it. I find relief from the blow dryer heat of June by sleeping all day and staying up all night. Unfortunately in a city like this that shuts down at 10pm, it leaves you little to do at midnight.
When the thunderclouds and lightning storms blow in, they bring in with them an unbearable level of humidity. You wake up and it's ninety degrees fahrenheit by ten in the morning. Ominous, billowing storm clouds build up over the mountains surrounding this valley, and bring in a spectacular light show. The cold, fat drops of rain quench the life around me, and at times my soul.
When the light shows are over the weather falls into a pattern of drying heat during the day and blistering cold nights. The constellation Orion become visible again in the sky after the days get shorter and shorter after the Autumnal Equinox. In my nightly meditations, I often find myself contemplating that stars themselves are a good example of the illusionary nature of reality. How fitting that I find a mirage here in the desert, but it's ironic that I find it not under the scorching noon day's sun, but under a clear night's sky.
Finding motivation when you are suffering from pain with no clear end in sight can be very difficult. It's like trying to put out the raging nuclear inferno that we call the sun out with a single teardrop.
How do I find motivation to keep going on when faced with what seems like impossible odds? I look inside me and find what has motivated me in the past. I know that I need to stop talking about it and just start making changes
I've been hurt a lot in the past, but I don't want to leave myself high and dry anymore. I'm still waiting for something to happen, but I know that I can't do that anymore if I want everything in my life to be in it's right place. I know that if mankind at a whole is capable of putting a man on the moon, I am capable of doing whatever I set my mind on. Right now my mind is set of getting past all the things that have tied me down over the years and prevented me from succeeding. I know I can't keep saying what I'm going to do anymore. I know the prayers I say to myself don't matter if I am not sincere in my beliefs. I am not the pretender anymore. I can't eat Chop Suey whenever I feel like there's too much pressure on me at this point now, and I'm not content with being a mindless zombie like a good portion of people these days.
Along with rain and pain, the cold winter rains and winds bring a fresh insight that allows me to see the truth of what my reality really is. No more little talks telling everyone what I'm going to do. No more madness, just clarity and insight. The little lion man is leaving the cave and finally do what I want; go around the world, and make life a little less about finding the truth and all the knowledge in the universe, and making it more about the pursuit of happiness. No more being a flake. No more letting my brain stew on a cocktail of low self-esteem, jaded memories and insomnia.
Done thinking about whatsername, I'm not the Jesus of suburbia. The world I imagine could be a great place, but if the kids aren't alright that future will never happen, and if it does it'll be a terrible place. At this point I'm rambling, but I know that I am close to finding answers and peace within myself. It all comes down to breaking the habit tonight. I know that sometimes I'm better off skipping being tongue tied by saying nothing at all.
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