A chapter in my life has officially come to a close and now I'm left knowing how the story turned out in the end. So what was the story in the first place? It was a love story. It was a tragedy. It was a lesson, and something that has made re-evaluate everything in my life.
I've been all talk for a long time, and I haven't accomplished anything by my own standards. I could argue that I have in some aspects, but I'm not going to. I take that back, there is one thing that I've accomplished through this whole journey, I've discovered who I am, I've decided who I want to be, and I'm finally going where I want to be.
It seems that my destiny in life, at least for now, is to walk a lonely path. When you love the one person who you loved and confided in leaves you, bit it through death or a break up, the heart aches.
People don't just grieve over the loss of a friend, relative, or lover, but they grieve over ideas, over substances, and addictions.
I've gone on a lot of dating websites trying to find this perfect dream girl that just doesn't exist. Why is it impossible or unrealistic to want a significant other who is your best friend, and a great friend at that? Why is it too much to ask that person be compassionate and giving as much as I am? Am I too giving? I have been told I can be selfish, but on the other hand I have gone out of my way to give and help every person I can.
I don't want to be just another soul for sale. Our lives our temporary, and I don't want to keep living the same story, and being the pretender. I want to be someone who never backs down no matter what the challenge. I want to be the kind of person who never surrenders. I not going to be like all the others, I am going to find a way to stand out and make a difference. I want to help those who are in pain and those who are in need.
What does this all have to do with an ex finally saying enough is enough, I have no interest ever talking to you again? For three years I've punished myself because of how much I hurt that person, because of all that guilt, I lashed out at someone I truly loved with all my heart and soul and that's something that will be very hard for me to ever get over. Having not heard from that person in years, and having them tell you the truth, what you actually need to hear hurts.
The pain that's been brought back to the surface brings back old memories of the fall out of when this all started, and I'm reminded of why I want to change. I really was a horrible person. I was a liar, a cheater, a thief, I was lazy.. I had no fight in me. I was everything I hated. When I realized that back then it made me hate myself. I punished myself, but it's hard to explain that if you don't understand psychology. In my case however, it's a little easier. I punished myself by cutting myself off from the world. In a way, with my health problems and pain getting as bad as they did, I felt as if the world was punishing me. For months, every time I took a step and I felt the intense pain surge up through my feet and overwhelm my entire leg up to my hip, I felt as if I deserved something so severe.
I couldn't find hope to believe things would ever get better. I turned to suicide once again. Ah, Suicide. Suicide is one of the reasons why all this started, and all this happened. My suicidal tendency and history eventually became a source of abuse. I did something that I swore, I promised, I would never do. I abused someone I loved. I made that person afraid of me. It wasn't even the first time I had done it, and it wasn't the last.
I sit here at my desk tonight even, and I feel as if I haven't changed at all, even though I know I have. I've lost 80 pounds of fat, and put on 20 in muscle. I've stayed at the same weight for the longest time in my life. I've gone to the gym, outside of a few exceptions, every week for 7 months now. I actually gave church a chance and went every other Sunday for nearly year. I've been writing again, and for once I don't feel restrained.
I still feel held back though. I keep trying to quit smoking cigarettes for instance, and no matter how badly I actually want it for myself, I just can't seem to get past the first one in the morning especially. It's like my brain sometimes refuses to work without having a smoke break first.
Right now I can say is that one thing for sure has changed. I don't want to die anymore. I want to live. I want to live the absolute best life I can, and I'm not going to live with any regrets anymore because I have too many already. I know what I want, I know what I need.
So after all the talk, bullshit, broken promises, lies, and mistakes, what is a guy like me to say and do at this point in his life? There's one thing that I know for certain, and it's not tell everyone what I plan on doing. You can't play poker (and expect to win) if everyone can see your hand. I know that I've been gifted with great hand in life, and one bad card: my health. I don't think that I can't overcome it anymore at this point. I don't think that I can't fix my feet, or overcome my pain. I know exactly what I can do now. I have learned a lot of important lessons, and it is about time that I finally prove my worth.
No more talk. Just Results. Nothing Else Matters.
No comments:
Post a Comment